Sachin's 100th century

Enjoy the comments on Sachin's 100th century:

1. Digvijay Singh - Sachin is an RSS agent. All these days he was waiting to score his century against a Muslim country.
2. Manmohan Singh - I congratulate Sachin and also appreciate leadership of Shrimati Sonia Gandhi.
3. Rahul Gandhi - My grandmother created Bangladesh. She deserves the credit for this century.
4. Raj Thakrey - Sachin has proved himself to be a true Marathi Manus after scoring this century. So what if India has lost, Maharashtrians can not take the responsibility of the whole nation.
5. Mulayam Singh Yadav - If Sachin was from UP, I would have made tickets of all Cricket matches 'Tax free'.
6. Anna Hazare - Sachin deserves to be the next lokpal of the country.
7. Baba Ramdev - If you multiply all the runs Sachin has made by a billion is what is the total black money in foreign countries.
8. Kapil Sibal - Social media need to control comments on Sachin's century. It will harm the fabric of secularism in India.
9. Swami Agnivesh - Now that Bangladesh has helped Sachin score his 100th century, they have proved to be a true friend of India. Lets welcome their citizen in India and let them live wherever they can. Lets issue them voter's ID card .
10. Kris Srikkant - We selectors hope that by 2050, Sachin will also score his 150th century.
11. Arjun Tendulkar - I want to play with my father in 2020 world cup.
12. Sachin Tendulkar himself - Aaeellaaaa.. Now what excuse I will make to not retire.
13. Sonia Gandhi - Er... She did not respond since she is suffering from an undisclosed disease.
14. Karunanidhi.......Who is Sachin Tandulkar?
15. Jayalalitha.....Sometimes Sashikala could have been right. She said
something about this guy. I ignored it as I thought that he was a Bollywood filmstar...In any case Dr. MGR was a better player
The best one indeed from Mamta:
She said- She was not consulted in advance on such massive score hike, hence the century should be rolled back to 90. She also demanded if it is not rolled back or withdrawn by weekend, Sachin should be replaced in the team

Awesome quotes

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UNIX is simple. But It just needs a genius to understand its simplicity.

-Dennis Ritchie

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Before software can be reusable, it first has to be usable.

—Ralph Johnson

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Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.

-Fred Brooks

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It's hard enough to find an error in your code when you're looking for it;

It's even harder when you've assumed your code is error-free.

-Steve McConnell

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The trouble with the world is that the stupid are sure,

and the intelligent are full of doubt.

-Bertrand Russell

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(This is the best 1.....)

If debugging is the process of removing bugs,

Then programming must be the process of putting them in..

-Edsger Dijkstra

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You can either have software quality or you can have pointer arithmetic;

You cannot have both at the same time.

–Bertrand Meyer

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There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third works.

-Alan J. Perlis

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Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring

aircraft building progress by weight.

-Bill Gates

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The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time.

The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.

-Tom Cargill

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Programmers are in a race with the Universe to create bigger and better idiot-proof programs.

The Universe is trying to create bigger and better idiots.

So far the Universe is winning.

-Anonymous

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Theory is when you know something, but it doesn't work.

Practice is when something works, but you don't know why it works.

Programmers combine Theory and Practice:

Nothing works and they don't know why.

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The Six Phases of a Project:

• Enthusiasm

• Disillusionment

• Panic

• Search for the Guilty

• Punishment of the Innocent

• Praise for non-participants

The best code comments seen in source code ......

1.

///
/// The point of this is to work around his poor design so that paging will
/// work on a mobile control. The main problem is the BindCompany() method,
/// which he hoped would be able to do everything. I hope he dies.
///

2.

// I dedicate all this code, all my work, to my wife, Darlene, who will

// have to support me and our three children and the dog once it gets

// released into the public.

3.

// Magic. Do not touch.

4.
return 1; // returns 1

5.

/* This is O(scary), but seems quick enough in practice. */

6.

/*
* You may think you know what the following code does.
* But you dont. Trust me.
* Fiddle with it, and youll spend many a sleepless
* night cursing the moment you thought youd be clever
* enough to "optimize" the code below.
* Now close this file and go play with something else.
*/


7. and here comes best one......

//When I wrote this, only God and I understood what I was doing
//Now, God only knows

Killing English!

Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigerette... ? "

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

Class teacher once said :
" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"

************ ********* ********* ********* ****
once hindi teacher said...."i'm going out of the world to america.."

************ ********* ********* ********* ****
"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."

************ ********* ********* ********* ****
dont..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....

************ ********* ********* ********* ****
it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said

" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

************ ********* ********* ********* ****
teacher in a furious mood...

write down ur name and father of ur name!!
************ ********* ********* ********* ****

"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"

************ ********* ********* ********* ****
My manager started like this

"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"
************ ********* ********* ********* ****
"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board

************ ********* ********* ********* ****
"will u hang that calender or else i'll HANG MYSELF"
************ ********* ********* ************ *

LIBRARIAN SCOLDS," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"

************ ********* ********* ********* ****

Chemistry HOD comes and tells us...

"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"

************ ********* ********* ********* ****
Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

************ ********* ********* ********* ****
"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"
************ ********* ********* ********* ****

Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..
"I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??

************ ********* ********* ********* *****
Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..
"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"

Famous Wisecracks

January

Jyoti Basu dies at 11.47 a.m., yet again almost making it to P.M.

UPSC increases civil services intake from 580 to 965. Ouch!!!! 385
more bureaucrats each year. A real ‘Babulation’ Explosion.

February

Kishenji announces his phone number : 9734695789. Now we don’t need
the army to fight him. ICICI will finish him off.

Lok Sabha meets. Noise. Confusion. Lok Sabha adjourns. It’s time we
rename our parliament - the Joke Sabha.

India says no to Bt brinjal. An auberginity lost?

March

What’s common to Iceland & Abhishek? Both are wondering what to do with Ash.

Sania Mirza announces that she’s going to marry Shoaib Malik. Thank
God, Sania doesn’t have to do 7 pheras with Shoaib. She’ll never get
past the first round.

April

Sachin Tendulkar’s birthday today? Let’s celebrate it as runmashtami.
The good thing is that Sachin has turned 37. This means, for the next
365 days, he will be in his prime.

If Vijay Mallya had his way, after the quarter-finals, IPL would have
the half-finals & full-final.

And the post-IPL party starts. Unfortunately, all the recent
happenings only go to prove that an honest politician is the exception
rather than Tharoor.

May

If India were a gym, Delhi would be the sauna, Chennai, the steam-room
& Bangalore, the a/c reception. Mumbai will be the pool in 2 months.

If he’s sentenced to death, Kasab will be 51st in the queue. “Capital”
punishment just means your file is stuck in Delhi.

Subhash Ghai was ahead of his times. He introduced 4G in 1989. A-G,
oh- G, lo-G, suno-G.

June

FIFA World Cup provides lots of kicks. Hope Greece is not given a
penalty. They’ll say they have no money to pay it. I don’t think
Mexico will make any attempt at the Argentinian goal. A Mexican can’t
take a shot without salt and lemon.

If India had qualified for the World Cup, Chetan Bhagat would have
been goalie & Mamata the forward. He can block, she can strike.

TN may free 500 convicts to mark Tamil conference. Why, may I know?
Did classical Tamil have shorter sentences?

July

Petrol price increased again. An optimist will now look at his tank as
half fuel.

Just realized that M.S. Dhoni’s wife will be called Ms. Dhoni.

CWG fun begins. Now I understand why the CWG mascot is called Shera.
They want a Shera this, a Shera that, and a Shera everything that
makes money.

New HR rating scheme- 5: Exceeds Expectations, 4: Meets Expectations,
3: Average, 2: Needs Improvement, 1: Kalmadi.

If Sherlyn Chopra met Rakhi Sawant, would the CBI call it a fake encounter?

August

I’d like to start a paper factory that supplies clean chits to the
CBI. Big business potential.

Congress to have elections to decide its President. Ha. That’s like
Robinson Crusoe conducting interviews to select his assistant.

It’s a great day for our planet. All the top places in Miss Universe
are bagged by earthlings.

Spot-fixing controversy hits Pakistan cricket. Pakistan is the world
champion in book cricket.

September

1.6 million meals to be served during CWG. Oh. No wonder they have
created such a big mess.

What Delhi needs is some Ram Sene folks. They won’t let the mosquitoes
breed till they get married.

I propose that we make mosquitoes our national insect. Then the
government will try to protect them and they’ll become extinct.

Ayodhya verdict happens. Seems to be on the basis of Share-ya law.
This Ayodhya issue is quite complex. Hindus want a temple, Muslims
want a mosque, while Mayawati actually wants a statue.

Raymonds wants to sponsor the Ayodhya verdict, because it turned out
to be a 3-piece suit.

October

Obama’s goal seems to be to see as much of India and as little of
Indians as possible.

Advice to Arundhati Roy : if at first you don’t secede, cry, cry, cry again.

Mukesh Ambani is not the first to stay in Antilla. Centuries back,
Valmiki used to hang out in one.

November

Today is the day Krishna slays Narakusara, Rama returns to Ayodhya,
Mahavira attains moksha, and Airtel makes a killing. Happy Diwali. The
more the number of Diwali sweets in your house, the faster they get
spoilt : burfi’s law.

Raja scam explodes. A Raja is living proof that there is a pot of gold
at the end of the spectrum. In India, scams have an alarming
frequency. And now, with Raja, frequencies have an alarming scam.

Manmohan Singh’s Third Law of Motion : Every action has an equal and
opposite inaction. One day there will be a movie made about Manmohan
Singh. And the director will go, “Lights. Camera. Inaction.”

Manmohan Singh’s personal integrity is unquestionable. Mostly because
he never attends question hour.

Q : How do you fit 1000 media people in a hotel? A : 998 in 499 double
rooms. And Barkha & Sanghvi in the lobby.

Why does phone-tapping make India a banana republic? Isn’t tapioca
republic better?

December

TIME had a difficult choice for Person of the Year. Assange, who
attacked governments’ privacy. Or Zuckerberg, who went after people’s.

Sarkozy is a VIP Frenchie, right?

Many bills were passed in the parliament session. Travel bills, food bills, etc.

Obama, Sarkozy, Jiabao & now Medvedev. If India can’t get to the
Security Council, at least the Security Council is coming to India.

Dilbert's one-liners

Here are some nice Dilbert's one liners:




1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Try & try, if you don't succeed, then CHEAT

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..

7. Born free, taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week

26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

J…….and here's the best of the lot J

31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or in love with someone else!

Skill

A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine.


Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a young. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.

Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!

A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.

"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"

So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."


The man sent a bill that read:


Tapping with a hammer...... ......... ........ $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap.......... ......... ...... $ 9, 998.00

Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort makes all the difference!